I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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