i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
