and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
