I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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