Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
