I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
