shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
