I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
