now i know why i became what i already was.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
