just tell him i said nine months
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
