i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
