If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize