I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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