I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
