I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dignity is for republicans.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize