We got so high we made milksteak
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
FUCK WHALES
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