just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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