just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
