remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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