You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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