Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
