I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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