Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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