dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
And then my night got REAL pukey
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
