I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
