take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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