I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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