rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
