i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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