I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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