I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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