Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
