I swear she didn't look like that last week.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
