im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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