What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I think I sprained my soul last night
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Sext me about skeletons
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
