someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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