While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
