god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
