meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
