i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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