Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
