he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
