I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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