I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
