I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
