P.S. I can't hear my feet
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
