dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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