Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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