mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
