i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
