How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
