he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
