I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
