The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He felt like a one man threesome
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
