Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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