just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize