Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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