There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
