I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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